10/30/17 - 10:06PM - I worry that change is something that exists outside of self.
That in reality people stay the same and then they die. I worry that my work isn’t that much different from two years ago, which isn’t that much different from if I had picked up a DSLR when I was 15. I worry that my head is gonna live out loops of the same insecurities that I’ve had since i was 7 and the only wins I’m ever gonna get will fade as soon as I take my eyes off them.
For the last few months the internet has had me fucked up more than normal. I’ve spent a lot of time in my head, paralyzed by how others see me and worried that the shit i’m thinking doesn’t live up to who I said I was. And so it was easier just to not say anything. I’ve been working hard to reach my standards for good work but as i got better my standards got higher and i feel like i stayed where i started.
i slowly realized how important it is that i tell everyone what i’m thinking even if it’s only to i show that i fuck with one of my own ideas enough to show it to 235 people. There’s 10,000 people out there who have really dope taste and spend their whole day thinking about how corny someone else’s art was and end up adding nothing to the conversation. Self-awareness is tight but not if it’s what’s keeping you from moving forward.
so ima be here until i can prove to myself that i can change. that i can stop caring so much about people seeing a perfect version of me, that i can stop spending so much time thinking on shit before i say it. quick prayer to basedgod.
5/24/17 - 2:31AM - i hide my head in a book on my bedside table.
4 pages. when i’m choked up, anxious, whatever. Then I read back what i wrote, then I move on.
still not sure how y’all fit into that equation yet. so i guess i’m just here. telling u about it. lol. answers been fleeting as shit lately but here's hoping that’s because the questions are getting better.
2/28/17 - 12:57 AM - I MET SOME OF MY HEROES TODAY.
..and i was all nervous and stuff but it was really tight. they were real human beings. which is dope because 1) they were genuinely cool and 2) when all you see is the ideas in their heads it's easy to have them live in your head as the those ideas. and while that's really inspiring sometimes it also feels like this terrifying unattainable mark to beat or whatever. putting faces to their ideas made me feel like if i work like they did, then i can do it too. and that's pretty fucking cool.
so thanks y'all. imma try to make every piece of my art to serve a purpose and imma listen to so anxious by ginuwine and imma do my best to be me. it's tunnel vision toward what i want and my heart on my sleeve here on out. yeehaw.
2/12/17 - I HATE THAT PART OF ME NEEDS NUMBERS NEXT TO MY OPINION TO MAKE MY OPINION VALID.
So for the opinions that I don't want anyone else's opinions on imma hide them here.